Just a really quick post to thank EVERYONE for really coming to my cry for help on the previous post. I really appreciate my friends and family and of course my internet friends! We have decided to go meet the foster mom as my original gut told me to do. Yes, I realize it will be a very difficult day, but I feel like it will be best for Shelby. We had a good day and I will recap probably in the middle of my night when I can't sleep. But for now, Shelby is asleep and I am going to get some rest as well. No time for pics yet, so will have to leave you with just one.
22 comments:
What a great looking family! I miss you guys, big hugs!
I am coming into this conversation late, but I am glad that you decided to go. The afternoon we spent with the foster family was magical. Elaina was 11 months when we were in China and she was very shut down for three days. After we spent time with her family, she smiled for the first time that night(initially there were big tears, but they did not last as long as I expected). We believe that seeing us all together helped. For us it was even more emotional then Gotcha Day. It was an amazing experience.
Wishing you the best for Friday.
April B in MN
What a wonderful family picture! Hugs and kisses to everyone.
I am glad that you decided to go - we will definitely be praying for you all!! We can't wait to be in Nanning soon...it looks beautiful and warm!?!? See you soon!
I would absolutely go see the foster family. Also, I know it's hard, but try to see her grieving as healing for her...I wouldn't do stuff to keep her from her grief, to distract her from it, or to placate her....instead, I would let her get it out and just stay with her and witness it, and let her know you know it hurts and you are there for her....
Even in terms of you walking around with her (by the way, my daughter used to have FITS when we wanted to sit down with her, and that lasted for a while!)...when you need to sit do so, and if she's distressed, stay with her and let her know you know it's hard for her, but you need to sit...Even if she doesn't understand the words yet, she'll understand the feelings...You can bet that she wants you to stand and walk around with her because that's what she's used to and she misses it..and you can acknowledge that, too...
By the way, my daughter originally would only let me hold her and screamed whenever I put her down, but right away we did two things:
first, I did the less fun things like changing her, dressing her...and we let my husband give her all the treats, toys, etc.
Second, we played lots of little games that included all of us...like pass the rattle....etc.
We also did something that she STILL likes us to do (at three and a half!) We passed her back and forth quickly and laughing and then ended with a group hug...Holly liked it...your daughter may not..so play it by ear...you sound like you are doing a great job! Best of luck to you all!
Denise
deni321@yahoo.com
Dear Donna,
You all look beautiful together- Such a good looking family.
I am so glad you all had a good day- Just a little info to support your family bonding.
I have worked with many kids for a variety of reasons - adoption, developmental delays, autism, and foster care- on attachment- bonding and social emotional development and cognition. I am Special Instruction Babies Can't Wait-and certified teacher for special ed -with Masters in Special Ed and Child Development Birth -8 years- not a counselor- but I am a behavior and developmental expert-
Okay- but mostly I am your friend and care about you and your family.
What CJ and the boys are experiencing is completely normal- especially for a child who had a secure attachment to a primary caregiver. 90% of the time the transfer of attachment will happen to one or two caregivers within a short period of time- But the attachment will not be secure. This was the case with Michelle. Secure attachment takes a long time.
Any other person was a potential person that would take her away from me (except Zach -ger ger)
To help her know she was safe- We did the following
1. Told her what we were doing and where we were going- with pics when possible-
2. Showed her pics of her smiling with us and reminding her of all fun time.
3. Had Zach and Dan model and act out fun family games with her watching - at first she did not act like she was watching- but then before you knew it - her interest was peeked. ( Hide and seek, Ride the Pony, Airplane, tumbling, jumping, peek a boo, songs (repetitive ones)- A great deal of hugs, patty cake, -
This set a good mood for everyone and took the pressure off Michelle to be the center always. Also it let Zach and Dan get the love and affection they were craving without entering her space. Before you know it the boys will have the CJ and Sons show going. Can be very entertaining.
4. I let Dan and Zach give all the favorite snacks and treats. Zach was great for modeling our family life. Ask the boys to show her how they play together. They will love this- Let them know that she might pretend not to watch- but she will be sneaking peaks and definitely listening.
5. Acted out a couple of little skits- Polite behavior, snuggle time, Getting ready to go out, getting ready for bed. It was all a set up for her- Your boys are so smart that they will love doing this and it will help give them a part.
6. I gave Dan a lot of extra hugs and love and snuggles- in front of her. And kisses kisses kisses
7. Fried rice and Congie watermellon and bananas were Michelle's food staples- I encouraged Dan to work with the food and the feeding- and at some point she knew Daddy was going to make sure she ate whatever she wanted - whenever she wanted- Also apparently they drink WAHAHA (snack drink sweet milk) and it can be bought at the Walmart in Nanning- Along with many American products that your boys may like. (7 11 convenience store has it too)
8. When Michelle did not accept food from Dan - I had him model caring for Zach and his food needs- Zach loved being spoiled like this. This gave me such a chuckle as Zach is 13.
9. Encourage laughter and jokes and silly behavior- this is good pain medicine. Silly faces in the mirror can work miracles. Also this is very good for eye contact with CJ, the boys and you. Michelle would stare at him in the mirror but not face to face. It broke the ice and they could play games that way.
10. Pick repetitive things to say. - Go Eat, Nap time, book time, Play time, Go Shop- simple two word phrases- Swim time, Bath time, Quiet time. etc
Always the same used over and over throughout your day.
11. Massage and smell good lotion. Very soothing-
12. Swaddle in towels after Bath- and treat like baby- Goo Goo Gahh Gahh- and maybe a bottle with wahaha and milk mixed. It is okay right now to give anything in a bottle she will drink - You can wean her from that when you're home. Wahaha worked well for us.
13. Grief is normal- It is okay to show her that you have grief for what she is experiencing. We all cried with Michelle at least once even Zach - This is okay- you are all in it together.
Shelby is very smart - and I think she has a great little personality.
I think that you have a book now - I hope they help some.
I am praying for you all and know that this is such an amazing bonding time for your family. You are doing an amazing job.
Your Friends,
Liz & Michelle Caixing
Even though we did all of this- She still cried a great deal - but she started to play and hug and kiss more each day.
Looks like a potential Christmas card photo! I think (hope) you will be happy with the decision to meet her/them! I will pray for God's peace to be with you all, Shelby and her FM....
Looks like it warmer over there. Love the picture. You look more rested. Look forward to reading the next blog. Love Ya! Rhonda
You mentioned that our little girl, Shelby, is very very smart (as are both our boys). But she's not smart enough yet to realize what lies in store for her. The things that Betty and I know are is that she's now experiencing one of the greatest things in her life. She now has a FOREVER mom and one that will be there for her when she needs her. And a Dad as seen from the eyes of his two young boys as a "little giant" whose love and guidance and caring is unquestionable. You see Donna I remember a very confused two year old boy that was surrounded by strangers that felt sorry for him that wanted to touch him, help him, etc. but he remained confused and lost and did not know where to turn. Then BJ came into his life and offered hersef up with unconditional love and the bond gets better and has for the last 34 years. You see she is real smart and will soon recognize these things with you and CJ. You told me that you have to let her pick and choose and CJ will be next in line for that bonding and then she'll have him wrapped around her little finger. Just always keep this up front...the wonderful things that she will have to share going forward with you, CJ, Caleb, Travis and other family and friends.
Be safe and hurry home with our boys and little girl!
BEAUTIFUL FAMILY PHOTO!!!!!!!
A family photo...how great!
Just wanted to let you guys know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I can't wait to met shelby and welcome her into the family
Love
Derek Taylor
Donna,
Our daughter is from Nanning --- adopted in December 2000. We met her foster parents at Nanning Social Welfare Institute, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although Christina grieved after seeing her foster parents, I think it helped her to see them with us. Somehow, I do think she had closure (whatever that is as a 1-year-old). We pray all goes well with the meeting and the rest of your journey home.
Dorothy Boothe
Glad to see everyone is ok. She is beautiful, and it sounds like you have made your mind up about the visit. If you've searched your heart and prayed about it, then it has to be the right decision. I love you!
Jen
Hello, it's Me again. I read what Dan had wrote and to play games and show each other lots of warm feelings and hugs and lots of kisses will help her see what a truly Wonderful and Loving Momma, Daddy and BigBrothers she has FOREVER!CJ i feel like You have been in China for more than a few days. Caleb and Travis I will be so Glad when You Get to come over and show me the new kite and the fishing toy's You got.Donna I love You all and hope Shelby soon relaxes a little and You can relax your arms alittle. Did they bring up a chair with a back yet? I truly hope so! I miss You All Loads of Hugs and Kisses to all. Whisper to Shelby Grandma Loves Her too! All My Love Guys Mom
What a beautiful family! Hang in there and we will keep praying!
Cindy J
Wow!! What a journey!! She is beautiful and you all look so happy!! We are praying for you all and can't wait to read your updates.
Shad and Mary Goltz
Sorry to have missed out yesterday but I think you have made the right choice. I think it will be a blessing to everyone in the long run. If we have the opportunity, we will do the same. Please know we will be praying for you. She is so precious-can't wait to see her in person!
Hi,
I saw your post on Nanning Kids. We received our Emma when she was 13.5 months old. She had been with her foster family since she was 2 months old. They did an excellent job loving and caring for her and when we got her she did grieve a lot for them. We decided to meet her foster parents since they had been since an important part of her early life. We are SO GLAD that we did. I think it gave Emma a since of closure or at least she realized that her foster mom approved of us taking her. She was excited to see her foster mom again after a week (we had received her 6 days earlier), but didn't cry when we left her foster family after meeting them at the Nanning SWI. Since we met them and exchanged address and emails, we are able to send photos and letters to them several times a year with information about how Emma is doing and growing. Emma's foster mom really seems to appreciate this. Also, since we talk about Emma's foster mom to her (her "Apo", what kids in south china often call their grandma) she still has a connection to a family in China.
Stacey Bedgood
slbedgood@aol.com
I am so glad you decided to go meet the foster mom. It is going to be very hard and very difficult either way. Be prepared for any and all reactions. This will be something you are doing now for the future comfort of your child. I wish I had the opportunity and maybe someday I will. Congrats on your beautiful daughter. Great family pic too.
Beverly
Sorry I am posting late - hard to keep up with all the emails. I am so glad you decided to go. When we adopted our son las Novemeber we also were lucky enough to travel to his foster families house. They had stories to tell, pictures to share and we wrre able to take more pictures of all of us together. Seeing where he lived and meeting his foster family was a wonderful experience. His 3.5 year old sister (now 4.5) also adopted from China was able to witness the fact that he was loved by his foster family. I think this helped her to feel better about her first year which was sment in China with her foster family. We have been able to keep some limited contact with our son's foster family.
I am so glad you have decided to go. I will lift your family in prayer. Your Shelby is just darling, you have a beautiful family! God Bless!
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