As you can see from some of the pics, we all are getting some sleep tonight. It is about 4am and I am wide awake, but doing OK since I did get two 3 hours sleeping spells already tonight. Shelby is doing better with settling down back to sleep after she wakes up. She still only wants me (CJ is feeling sad about that) and she really only wants me to stand up and walk with her. She gets mad if I sit down. So needless to say, I have eaten the Big Macs and Shelby is my new diet plan! I don't get to sit down at all when she is awake. I think we have probably walked 10 miles around this hotel. So yes, Sheila, I am finally walking ;) I am holding up pretty well, just some back issues since their is nothing hard to sit in here in the hotel with a back on it. I am going to have Belinda our guide as them to bring me up a chair with a back on it today. Travis is doing "OK" with all this as he is real whiney but we think that is just him wanting to be the baby again. He is not as bad as predicted though ;) Caleb is doing fine in every department except the food department. He doesn't even like to go into a Chinese restaurant as he said that the smell makes his stomach feel sick. We aren't making him eat anything unless he wants to. He has grits and snacks in the room and so that is filling his stomach on the days he doesn't get American food. CJ is struggling a bit since Shelby will have nothing to do with him really. She won't let him touch her but she does look at him alot and she will take things from his hands, so maybe she will come around soon for him. CJ is staying busy doing his normal things as I think we have the cleanest hotel room around ;)
Some of you had asked about Shelby's new Chinese middle name- Kunhong. I had her birth note that she had pinned to her when she found, translated. Her birth mother had given her a name on that note- Kun Zao. So since we want her to have this name as a rememberance of her heritage, we felt it best to include her birth name. So we decided to use a mix of both- Kunhong, pronounced 'coonhong'. So now we have Miss Shelby Ann Kunhong Straight-PERFECT!
Please don't forget to comment if you have any advice on the foster mom visit. Thanks!!
54 comments:
Well, I am really not qualified to give you advice on this subject but, I have thought since the first time that you told me that you were going to meet the foster mom/family that it was not a great idea. I think (this is just my opinion) that it will be very confusing for Shelby. As you said in your post that she has been calling out for her. I do understand your point about seeing the foster mom and maybe the foster mom could explain somewhat about her going with ya'll now and that it is ok for her to go with you but, you also have to remember that yes even though she may be smart she is still just a 2 year old. I'm not sure that a 2 year old will completely understand what is going on.. to see her foster mom again and then to be taken away from her again. I think that this would be very hard for her to understand what is happening. As I said at the beginning of this I am not qualified to give this advice since I have not dealt with anything like this but, this is my opinion. I hope that this helps you in some way and I hope others will respond to give you their advice that have dealt with this theirselves. Good Luck! I will pray that God helps you make the right decision for Shelby and your family.
Dad says it's a bad idea. We think it will only confuse Shelby more and would also be difficult for the foster mother. We suggest that just Donna goes and meets with her. Have someone take a picture of the two of you together smiling to show to Shelby later when she's older.
Dad and Sandy
We had to deal with the nannies that Sheridan was so attached to at the orphanage. After the intense crying at Gotcha Day (on the nannies and Sheridan's part) we decided to NOT have the nannies present when we visited the orphanage. It was going to be too difficult on Sheridan. As you know, Sheridan is super smart, but he wasn't going to understand seeing these women again and then having to leave with us for a second time. If one of you want to meet the foster mom WITHOUT Shelby, I think that would be a good idea. Shelby has already started to transition into your family. I'm afraid seeing the foster mom would set her back again. My feelings are that Shelby would think that she has just been on a 'visit' with all of you and that she would be returning to the foster family. Not a good way to continue the bonding and transition with your family. Call on SKYPE if you want to talk about this as I have other thoughts. Hugs and kisses to all and good luck with the decision.
Hi, this is Misty. We had the same concerns with our son since he cried so much in the beginning when we got him. We had decided against it...until the foster family showed up at our hotel as we were walking to the front entrance to leave for Guangzhou. Our son recognized them immediately and was thrilled to see them. They were crying, I was crying, it was quite the scene. However, it was the most incredible opportunity looking back. We were able to talk to the foster family and assure them we would take great care of him. We exchanged contact info and asked questions. We got to see our son interact with him. When it was time to catch our ride to the airport, we all cried again. My husband took our son and walked off to distract him with things to look at and he stopped crying almost immediately. (This was four days after we received him.) It seemed like we all got closure plus we got pictures of all of us together which we have up in our house now. We continue to keep in contact with the foster family and send photos back and forth through email. They love our son so much and the foster mom said her heart left China with our son. I am absolutely thankful for our opportunity to meet the foster family and thank God that that door was opened to us. That was our personal experience and based on that, I would encourage you to meet them. It may be sad for all of you, but it could also open a door that will help Shelby out in the future. Your family is in our prayers.
Misty
It's such a hard call. I remember really struggling with our orphanage visit (no FM for Ally). We got lots of advice NOT to go, but in the end, felt like WE needed to see where she had lived for her first (almost) 2 years. We went on our 4th day with her (keep in mind that we had not seen even a hint of a smile yet). It was honestly the high point of our week - we did see her first smile at the orphanage in the arms of one of her nannies. Yes, I was crying thru my smiles. I was just so happy to finally see her happy, but it was obviously bittersweet. BUT later that same day, we had a new child - smiling and giggling for US! It was an emotional time, but we are SO glad we went. No, it wasn't the same as a FM/FD.
If you decide to go, have CJ ready to ask all the questions and take pics just in case Shelby freaks out and you need to take her for a quick escape. For us, when it was time to go, Ally was fine and I was so relieved. I'm so glad we went - again, it was a difficult decision for us as well. I would say to do it (that's just me) - you will only have one chance to meet her (yourself) and I would hate for you to regret not doing so. Shelby may slightly regress or she may not. She may have a hard time or she may just be fine. Kids are pretty resilient. I know you are so tired and emotional right now. hugs!
Lucy
Donna and CJ,
Congrats! You are holding up well. It will only get easier from here, I swear.
As for Shelby only reaching for you, Donna, that is a normal reaction. Sometimes, they only reached for the father. This too shall pass so let CJ know that he will get his little girl to fret over in no time. John didn't get a smile or hug from Audrey for the better part of 3 weeks, and now... she knows just how to play him.
The foster parent visit is a tough one. We were never offered that. I think there are positives and negatives to going with or without Shelby. From my perspective, I think a 2 yo will not understand and may start the grieving process all over again. If possible, I suggest that you leave the boys and Shelby with another parent in the group, if possible, and that both of you make the visit to the orphanage. You can expect tears, but you can also make the foster mother more comfortable that you will love and take care of her "baby".
That's my advice, but bottom line... search your hearts and do what you think is best. Either way, it is not a "fatal" decision. Good luck and please let me know how it turns out.
Christy Stasko
I'm still waiting on my daughter, but hope to meet the foster family for the same reasons you mentioned. I have followed a lot of blogs and most say they are happy they did. Good luck with you decision. I'll be praying for you and your family.
BTW, your daughter is beautiful!
Tammy
www.youbelong.net/thehills
I don't have great advice, since we haven't traveled to China yet for our son, who is in an orphanage and not foster care. But I think you should visit the foster mom. I think your first instincts about closure are on target. And it's closure not just for your daughter, but for you and for the foster mom. We adopted our older son domestically as an infant. His foster mom only had him for the first three months of his life, but she was crying and very sad that last day when we took him for keeps. We visited her afterward and kept in touch. Hard to say what was going on in our son's head, since he was an infant. Your daughter is older, though and she is grieving. It won't get better by NOT seeing her foster mom. It may not get better by seeing her, either. But I don't think it's a decision you will regret. You say she's very bright. Perhaps her foster mom can talk to her some more and try to put her mind at ease about her new family. She'll still have grieving issues, but this may help. You'll be in my thoughts. God speed.
Jackie in Michigan
I certainly am not one to "know" these things, but I would recommend you pray and do what is best for her. Everyone has told us to go see the foster family or orphanage without our daughter. She is so young I don't think closure is going to come from a "final and formal" goodbye. Either way it's going to be hard. I would want to see them myself, but perhaps not take Shelby (which may be difficult if she doesn't want anyone but you). Praying for you and glad you will come home with all kinds of wisdom to share with the rest of us! We will be anxiously waiting your return!
All right....I am not qualified to answer this, but in my opinion I would still go. It might be hard for Shelby short term, but I believe that long term it would be beneficial to her. To have pictures of her with her foster family and her forever family seems like it would be priceless for when she gets older. And not just the pictures, but to be able to tell her about this meeting, about how wonderful the FM was, how much they loved each other, how loved Shelby was for the first 2 years of her life will hopefully help her when she has questions. I know that you don't have answers about her birthmom, but this is the next best thing. Steve and I are praying that we will have the opportunity to meet Danielle's FM/FD mainly for these reasons. I am not saying that it won't be hard, but I really think that you would regret it if you didn't go. We will pray for God to make it clear as to what you need to do, and if you decide to go and meet her, to heal everyone's hearts.
We visited our foster family for our daughter in May, also from GuangXi (Nanning SWI foster care program) We had a very hard time with our daughter, she was in major grieving mode and would not eat, or allow us to do anything for her. We met the foster family and it was an amazing difference in our daughter. It gave her the insight that they were okaying us, approved of us, and that we also cared for them. We got an insight of her life, routine and why she did certain things so it helped us better understand her. It gave the foster family peace about knowing where the child they had loved for 2 years was going and what kind of people we were. The departure was heartwrenching yet very loving and very accepting and I personally cannot even imagine had we not done this. It was the best thing we could have done for our daughter then and the best thing we can give her for her future questions. Your child is already grieving hard, already facing the toughest thing in life by loosing someone they thought was theirs forever - visiting this person, interacting with them for your child to see both families in acceptance is HUGE....and SO MUCH MORE beneficial then could ever be harmful. I cannt stress enough how important this is for you, for your child and for the foster parents....I hope you keep the appt. and realize that it may be difficult but it will also shed light on so much and help pave a way for bonding. My blog goes into detail about our visit with the foster family. www.2china.4ayla.blogspot.com
go to the archives of May and look for it and read it. It is the best and most emotional memory of our adoption process for our Ayla. A memory I will carry for a lifetime and I am SOOOO grateful I got to meet these precious people and see where my daughter spent the first 2 years of her life....for her to get some closure. After the visit was the fist time she allowed us to comfort her in her grief. I really hope you go, by the way our daughter was 2 years and 2 months....she did understand....and it did help her even though it was hard to leave she knew we had love in our hearts for them and they had love for us....that is so big. I know it is scary but it can't get anymore confusing or harder on SHelby then it already has been....seeing you together won't be harder then just being handed over to strangers. Our daughter Ayla was our second adoption we didn't have the opportunity with our first daughter and I can honestly say I would do anything to have met our first daughters foster family specially after meeting Ayla's. Please go visit my blog.
Dear Donna,
This was such a difficult decision- Just as you, I was so insistant on meeting Michelle's Foster Mom- I just felt that this was the only way Michelle would know how much she was loved by her AMOO and her Forever Mommy. It is a great emotional risk to move forward and visit. You will feel every emotion possible, joy- sadness, happiness, gratitude, Grief, but most of all Understanding. I was so upset about Michelle's first few days- I almost cancelled our trip to meet them. It was touch or go for me until the last minute. I am so grateful I did not cancel. It was one of the hardest days-for all of us- but- the next day we met our daughter-She was talkative, hopeful, happy, joyous, I really think it helped her understand that we all love her. I know that this is difficult decision- and yours and CJ's to make with God helping you.
I cried so hard that night for Michelle- Michelle cried too - but she also bonded with the knowledge that I would know this part of her life. We look back at the pics and smile. She will always have several pics of her Amoo hugging me and all of us together. We have it framed and I frequently tell her how much we love her AMOO. I send Amoo pics of Michelle often and feel free to send packages of American Goodies. I want to encourage her to foster again.
The BEST PART- the next day- No tears, only a happy little girl. I can not tell you how Shelby will react- Every child is different- and Shelby is about 11 months younger. But I know God will help you make the Best decision for you, Shelby and your family. Trust God and he will give you the answer you are looking for.
On the other note:
Michelle also totally rejected Dan for the first few days-so heartbreaking, but slowly he was able to win her heart. I let him give her all the treats and when she wanted something important- to her- I had him give it to her. I also had Zachary model a funloving and hugging Daddy with her watching. This may help the boys too as they need a lot of extra cuddles too. I too modeled affection love and laughter. Two months later- she is all about Daddy - "Whens Daddy Home" " Yeh Daddy's Home" "Daddy you want some" "I love my Daddy- when he come home, Mom?"
Whatever your decision - Remember God will heal Shelby's heart. I feel so sure she is with the best Mommy and family - The one God has always wanted her to have.
I am continuing my prayers for you and your family.
Liz Dan Zach and Michelle Caixing
When I can't decide which way to go' I ask myself what the worst that could happen each way. If you don't go to visit will you feel regret and guilt about the foster family not knowing you? If you do go will it be harder for Shelby to bond? If you can deal with the preceived worst then everything will work out.
Thanks for sharing your tears and smiles with all of us.
Love,
Sheila
I just want to tell you both which ever way you decide i will support your opinion. I Love You All so Much. God will answer your prayers and help you through this, God Bless You All It will be ok!Love Mom
A year ago I was in the same situation. Finally I decided not to take my daughter (32 months old) to her foster mom. And I regretted it. Her foster mom was so sweet and so very very sad that she could not see her fosterchild for the last time (she cared for her almost 2,5 years).
Yes, it would have been very emotional, and maybe my daughter would get upset. But the whole situation IS emotional. I think it would have helped her to share these emotions all together: foster mom, new parents and my daughter.
The foster parents are an important part of her life, they have cared for her, loved her in these very important first months and years. I would strongly advise you to share a precious (and maybe hard) moment ALL together.
(and believe me, I know how heartbreaking it is to see her cry and cry and cry, and calling her foster mom...)
I wish you all the best.
We visited my son's foster family. It was an awesome visit for us, however, I would never do it again. My son did not want anything to do with his foster mother. He barely even looked at her. That's how confused he was. Looking back now I really regret putting him through it. Your daughter may do great, as others have. However, do you really want to take that chance. I have adopted 3 children and am adoptiong our 4th now. I can tell you that it is such a delicate time for them and it is so important to guard their little hearts as much as you possibly can. Would it be possible for you to meet the foster mother alone? Good luck with whatever decision you make. I'll pray that all goes well.
Oh...and Shelby is beautiful!!
Hey Donna and family this is Dan C. Glad to see you all made it to China and got your baby! We’ve just been home 8 weeks and things are finally settling down. There were certainly some rough times in China and when we got home as well, so don’t get too worried if things get crazy at times. As much as we enjoyed our time in China it is a very emotional and stressful trip. Once you get back home in your regular routine and all the excitement tapers off you will really get to enjoy having your new daughter in the family. So enjoy the rest of your trip! PS our daughter never wanted to be in the hotel either. Get a stroller and save your back! Take care, Dan
As an adoptive mother of two I have not met the foster family but know many people who did meet the foster family. The meeting was very emotional for everyone but the families I know of said it was a good thing. The newly adoptive child settled down after the meeting. I think of it as the foster family giving approval to the child to accept their new family. Many have seen positive changes in their child after they visited the foster family. Talk with your agencies staff member there. I am sure they have faciliated many meetings between the foster family and the new adoptive family.
Another point is it could give you an insight into the family that was raising your child. This could be very valuable. You could ask the family many questions about the child that will help you in the future. It could also be a healing for the foster family to see where this child they have so lovingly cared for has gone to.
Susan K
Sorry if this posts more than once. It doesn't seem to be working correctly.
Each child is different, but I was so glad I did it for both my children! I dreaded the first foster parent visit for days and didn't sleep the night before. I thought it was important, but I was so afraid my daughter wouldn't want to come back to me after being back in her foster parent's arms. Turned out that the foster visits were the best experiences of both our trips. My eldest Nanning girl was very attached to her foster parents and I was terrified we would start the grieving process all over again, but it was a wonderful visit and there was no problem with her. My youngest Yongning girl grieved very, very hard during the week and livened up when she saw her foster mom at YSWI. She grieved on the bus ride back to the hotel, but she was definitely emotionally better than before we went to YSWI. Plus, I felt I owed it to the foster parents for their care of our children. I was doing it to give them closure, but it also gave my children closure. We have visited them when we've gone back, too. I wouldn't have missed meeting them for anything. Good luck on your decision.
My Yongning daughter was not in foster care. However, I have read over the past years about parents making the decision to see the foster parents with their children. The parents who did it, with and without reservations, were all happy they did. The parents who did not, regretted it terribly. It is a great chance to say goodbye.
I would definitely see the foster mother. I wish so much that we'd had that opportunity with our daughter. I think you'll always regret it if you don't.
I would highly recommend seeing the foster mother. We got our girls just before they were 2 and they cried for over 3 weeks solid. Seeing the foster families did not make things any worse than they already were. They quieted a bit when they saw them but did not fully stop crying. We visited with the families, shared information, gave each other gifts and have pictures that will last forever. Not only that it gave the foster families a chance to say goodbye, a goodbye that we could have on film. That is priceless for our girls. So I would highly recommend it. D Luther
Your daughter is beautiful! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you finish your journey.
We adopted in 6-06 and Hannah had been in foster care. She had a horrible transition and grieved heavily. We decided to go ahead and see her foster parents. She jumped into their arms when she saw them! When the visit was over, she cried for only 2 minutes! She was much better after she saw them again. We also had her foster parents tell her that we loved her and we'd take care of her forever. Even though we had second thoughts about our decision to let her see her foster parents, we are so glad that we did. She really did so much better after that as far as bonding to us. We also now have pictures of her foster family and us together. I am sure you will do what is right for you! There are good and bad stories on each side of the issue.
Tina
Donna and Cj you are in my prayers. Shelby is beautiful. You have planned and prepared for this for so long. Visiting with the foster family is just something else to add to this blessing.
I pray
that God gives you peace with your decision.
Right now things must seem so tough. But in the long run, I really think you'll regret NOT going. My daughter was 27 months at adoption and as far as she was concerned, already had a mama in her nanny. She has been loved and raised by this woman for all of her life. I made the tough call to go back and let her visit. It was so difficult, one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. But I will never regret it. I did it for HER. For her to put it all together in her mind, for her 'mama' to give her back to me, saying "this is your new mama and she will take care of you". She did cry when it was time to leave her nanny. Hard. But she recovered much more quickly than she did on gotcha day.
It's your call. But it's an opportunity you very well might never have again. Best wishes :)
Donna-
We brought our little Ning Fu Gui back to Kansas, one year and two months ago. Gui was 2 yrs. and 2 months old. So almost like your Shelby. Your blog has me in tears with all the amazing memories.
To your question: I wanted to go to the orphanage, Gui was not in a foster home. My hubby and I got nervous and decided that maybe I would go and Gui and Chad would stay at hotel. Dennis our amazing guide, assured us over and over that Gui would be fine. He was great and all the aunties etc. came to love on him and hug on him. They all played out in the yard for about 30 minutes. It helped us so much to see how they all acted and reacted around Gui and vice versa. We learned so much about him and his care in our hour and a half visit.
The head nurse even asked Gui if he was ready to go back to the baby room and eat with them and then take a nap. If I would have known what they were saying I would have had a cow!!! But they all laughed when he shook his head like crazy and then I asked what was being said and Dennis told me. eek!!
When it was time to go we told Gui we were going home and he was going with Mama and Baba and he jumped in my hubby's arms and we got into the little van and off we went. He waved and blew them a kiss and they did the same.
I am thankful to God for that little glimps into Gui's life.
here is my web page, maybe seeing some pics of the day will help.
I am praying for you!!
Ps. while you are there we would take another Yongning baby!!!
God Bless your trip.
Suzanne
My own experience with my daughter was very positive, and like others who have posted, she seemed much so much more settled after the visit to the foster family (we went to their home). I saw that with the other girls in our group, too. She was 17 months at the time. No matter what you do, she needs to grieve - you can't stop that. Our culture tends to try to "protect" children from their sadness and loss, but I feel it needs to be embraced and accepted for healing to occur. I am a counselor, and I have seen the relief on faces when I tell children that it is ok to be sad. Worked for us.
My daughter Marjorie was inconsolable when we were first give her. It seemed like she screamed and all the way through the first night. In the morning she started to accept my wife holding her. We were really worried about see the foster mother. It turned out to be one of the best things we did. She immediately went to her foster mother. After feeding Marjorie a pear she told her to go to my wife and she did. The guide also said she told her this is your new mommy and daddy.
I think it is good to be able to say goodbye. It may cause a temporary setback, but your daughter is old enough to remember some things and she will have a fond memory if she can say goodbye. I hope we have the chance to allow our daughter to say goodbye to her foster mother when we travel.
I am sure the foster mother will appreciate the opportunity.
It is a VERY good sign that your daughter is grieving. It shows that there was a lot of love in the foster family. I would only worry if she was not grieving. I am so glad that there are more and more children in foster care in Yongning these days.
I also think you should do what is in your heart on this.
Our first daughter grieved but started to smile after a few days. We did not see her foster mother in the week after adoption but we exchanged contact information during the presentation and we have had a wonderful relationship with the family and our daughter knows she was special to them. We contact the foster parents occasionally and they are so excited to hear from us. From other parents I have always heard from others how wonderful their child's foster parents are... I know a few that visited the foster parents homes in the week after adoption and had a wonderful experience. We visited them before we received our second daughter (two years later) and had a wonderful time with them.
With our second daughter who was not in a foster family we found that she was not happy the first few days. We asked to see the orphanage over and over and were able to a few days after the adoption and it was wonderful. We saw our daughter smile and we saw how special she was and who she was most connected to. We met the caregivers (they stormed the bus when we arrived!). It was a very short opportunity to find out what her early life was like.
Congratulations and have a great time in Yongning!
Garth Cowan
Father to Ning Fu Min from Yongning
Another perspective after looking at the pictures of your boys is what stories they will have to tell when their sister is older of their trip. I think it is great that they are with you.
Garth Cowan
I know it may be tough now, but I'd go, and I'd take my daughter with me. We've adopted twice, both of our daughters were in orphanages, one of which we were allowed to visit (and saw our daughter's primary nanny again, to whom she had been very attached), the other orphanage handed our daughter over, rushed her nanny out of the room, and we never had any contact again and were not allowed to visit the orphanage. Having the contact we had with our first daughter's orphanage has been a huge thing in her life - later on. It didn't matter to her at the time we were first in China, but it's been oh so wonderful to be able to tell her about that visit and to tell her of the things we learned about her nanny by taking the time to make the visit. Just today our daughter, now almost six years old, was lamenting that she no longer remembers anything about being a baby. I can't tell her about the times I wasn't there with her, but it feels so good to be able to tell her something. Our kids come to us with precious little from China... every little bit of information, every contact you can make now, will give you something that may very well be precious to your child in the years to come.
Our second daughter, who's nanny was whisked away grieved terribly in China. After she was home she was plagued by nightmares for over a year. She also had fantasy thoughts that we had no idea about until she was truly verbal and we learned her fears were because she'd taken a nap on the bus on the way to the hotel, woken up and lost everyone in an instant. She insisted on leaving her nightlight on every night - it wasn't until she'd been home over a full year that she told us the reason - she was certain her nanny was looking for her, and if she came to our house at night, our daughter wanted to make certain that she was able to see her. Would it have been tough to take her back to see her nanny while we were still on the adoption trip? Absolutely! Would she have wanted to stay? Quite possibly. Would she have grieved harder upon leaving. I'm fairly sure she would have. But you know what? No matter how difficult it would have been, it would have made the next few years much easier for her and it would have been so worth going.
I think someone else above said to trust your first instincts - your gut told you to go, and you have the gift of being able to do so. Make a quick exit plan for your daughter in case it gets to be too much - either you or her dad or another adult plan to exit... but you or her dad stay and ask all her questions, get contact information if you can. Take a billion pictures. Once you're past those first few weeks getting to know each other as a family, you'll be glad you went.
Also another perspective to look at it - if you choose to not go, or you go but choose to leave your child behind, how are you going to explain that to your daughter when she's 5, 10, 20 years old? If she's like my kids, she'll ask!
Best wishes,
just another mom :)
Donna go with your first instinct, when you left GA you had plans of taking her to see her foster mom. I think you should go with that, I think it would be really good for Shelby to see her foster home and wave bye to her. I am sure it will be really hard but there will be some type of closure. I don't know if this is something that would help but maybe you can take a picture with Shelby and her foster mom, have it printed and maybe she can carry it with her. Just a thought. I will be praying for you guys and that God give you and your family peace during your visit and after. Caroline
Donna,
Oh sweetie, what a tough decision you must make. You are Shelby's Mom now and you need to go with your gut feeling. You KNOW what you need to do, just find a quiet place and listen....You do what you think is best for Shelby and your family and don't look back. Visiting the foster family is going to be very emotional, are you prepared to put all of you through that? If so, go for it because it will be a chance in a lifetime. However, if you think that the negative will be too much, just continue to move on. Shelby is grieving and will continue to do so, this is truely the HARDEST part of it all!
All that you are going through is normal, normal, normal. Please tell CJ that Analiese wanted NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with me in China, she was Daddy's girl all the way. She would look at photos of our family and shake her head yes when I named everyone...except ME...she would shake her head NO to Mama. It is hard but don't take it personal. Sweet Caleb, things will get better when you get to Guangzhou!
We continue to keep you all in our prayers!
Donna,
Oh sweetie, what a tough decision you must make. You are Shelby's Mom now and you need to go with your gut feeling. You KNOW what you need to do, just find a quiet place and listen....You do what you think is best for Shelby and your family and don't look back. Visiting the foster family is going to be very emotional, are you prepared to put all of you through that? If so, go for it because it will be a chance in a lifetime. However, if you think that the negative will be too much, just continue to move on. Shelby is grieving and will continue to do so, this is truely the HARDEST part of it all!
All that you are going through is normal, normal, normal. Please tell CJ that Analiese wanted NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with me in China, she was Daddy's girl all the way. She would look at photos of our family and shake her head yes when I named everyone...except ME...she would shake her head NO to Mama. It is hard but don't take it personal. Sweet Caleb, things will get better when you get to Guangzhou!
We continue to keep you all in our prayers!
When we adopted our almost 2 year old we chose to meet the foster mom without our daughter. We thought it would confuse her. She "lost" them, got used to us, then to bring her back to the only family she knew...We thought it might be too hard on her. No matter how much FM prepared her for the transition, you have to wonder how much does a 2 y/o understand. She understands that, that is momma and I love her. Why aren't I going home with momma. We got pictures of FM and me together and our daughter looks at them all the time and remembers her. However, I know a family that took their daughter with them and had no problems. I guess we chose the safe route. Remember they have already said their good byes. We have the FF address and email so we can keep in touch.
Oh Donna, such great advice from all of these folks. We regret not going to the orphanage with Lily, but I can only imagine the emotions that would have been involved. It's all individual--what's right for one isn't right for another--follow your heart.
I know Eric was crushed when Lily wouldn't have a thing to do with him for a while. Now she loves to play with Daddy--yelling his name throughout the house.
Your blog is so great and I admire you being so candid. Both my daughters are from Nanning and my oldest one (12 yrs old) had a similar situation having foster care. She cried and cried and would not get out of my husbands arms until Day 4. Like you we agonized about the foster mother visit and in the end decided we should take her. For us it was the best decision we made and we still continue to reap the benifits of that visit. It is so great having pictures/video of all of us together. The amazing part was when we did visit our daughter really did not want to be held by anyone in the foster family but wanted to be held by me! I say take Shelby and your handsome sons to meet this special woman in your dauthters life. Good luck and best wishes for a great life.
I know I do not have any experience in adoption nor have I been through what you all have been through in the last few days, but if it was me, I would take her. I am on the same page as one of your bloggers "Betsy"-Grieving is a natural and healthy response. I believe if she saw her foster mom's acceptance of you it would comfort her. It may set her back alittle but I think if you didn't, you would always regret you didn't have the closure. Shelby's grieving too shall pass for this adoption is in God's hands. I believe I would take her for honor of her foster parents because they obviously we very good to her and they would be heart broken not to have the closure themselves.
Donna, hearing about Caleb and Chinese food reminds me of a time when we were little. Do you remember the time we went to a Chinese restaurant and someone told us that the goldfish in the tank was what was on our plate and both of us got sick!!! I remember I did not eat Sweet and Sour shrimp for a long time b/c of the color and shape! Ha Ha!
Just pray for God to give you peace with what ever decision you and CJ make.
And CJ you are a wonderful man and it will be no time that Shelby will see that too!! She will soon be Daddy's Little Girl!!!
In My Prayers, Rhonda
I know I do not have any experience in adoption nor have I been through what you all have been through in the last few days, but if it was me, I would take her. I am on the same page as one of your bloggers "Betsy"-Grieving is a natural and healthy response. I believe if she saw her foster mom's acceptance of you it would comfort her. It may set her back alittle but I think if you didn't, you would always regret you didn't have the closure. Shelby's grieving too shall pass for this adoption is in God's hands. I believe I would take her for honor of her foster parents because they obviously we very good to her and they would be heart broken not to have the closure themselves.
Donna, hearing about Caleb and Chinese food reminds me of a time when we were little. Do you remember the time we went to a Chinese restaurant and someone told us that the goldfish in the tank was what was on our plate and both of us got sick!!! I remember I did not eat Sweet and Sour shrimp for a long time b/c of the color and shape! Ha Ha!
Just pray for God to give you peace with what ever decision you and CJ make.
And CJ you are a wonderful man and it will be no time that Shelby will see that too!! She will soon be Daddy's Little Girl!!!
In My Prayers, Rhonda
I know I do not have any experience in adoption nor have I been through what you all have been through in the last few days, but if it was me, I would take her. I am on the same page as one of your bloggers "Betsy"-Grieving is a natural and healthy response. I believe if she saw her foster mom's acceptance of you it would comfort her. It may set her back alittle but I think if you didn't, you would always regret you didn't have the closure. Shelby's grieving too shall pass for this adoption is in God's hands. I believe I would take her for honor of her foster parents because they obviously we very good to her and they would be heart broken not to have the closure themselves.
Donna, hearing about Caleb and Chinese food reminds me of a time when we were little. Do you remember the time we went to a Chinese restaurant and someone told us that the goldfish in the tank was what was on our plate and both of us got sick!!! I remember I did not eat Sweet and Sour shrimp for a long time b/c of the color and shape! Ha Ha!
Just pray for God to give you peace with what ever decision you and CJ make.
And CJ you are a wonderful man and it will be no time that Shelby will see that too!! She will soon be Daddy's Little Girl!!!
In My Prayers, Rhonda
I know I do not have any experience in adoption nor have I been through what you all have been through in the last few days, but if it was me, I would take her. I am on the same page as one of your bloggers "Betsy"-Grieving is a natural and healthy response. I believe if she saw her foster mom's acceptance of you it would comfort her. It may set her back alittle but I think if you didn't, you would always regret you didn't have the closure. Shelby's grieving too shall pass for this adoption is in God's hands. I believe I would take her for honor of her foster parents because they obviously we very good to her and they would be heart broken not to have the closure themselves.
Donna, hearing about Caleb and Chinese food reminds me of a time when we were little. Do you remember the time we went to a Chinese restaurant and someone told us that the goldfish in the tank was what was on our plate and both of us got sick!!! I remember I did not eat Sweet and Sour shrimp for a long time b/c of the color and shape! Ha Ha!
Just pray for God to give you peace with what ever decision you and CJ make.
And CJ you are a wonderful man and it will be no time that Shelby will see that too!! She will soon be Daddy's Little Girl!!!
In My Prayers, Rhonda
As a mother who has BDTD, let me say I would definately meet the foster family. We did that for my daughter, even went to their home for dinner, and I believe it was the best gift we could give our girl!! She was able to get closure. She was able to have a proper good-bye. She saw us interacting and getting along. To this day we keep in touch with them. We e-mail, IM and even use web-cam with them. It has, I believe, made our daughter's transition much easier knowing that they approved of her becoming part of our family.
Tell your husband to hang in there. The same thing happened to my husband. The first time Zhou let him carry her was on the way up to the US Consulate. I would recommend getting some little treats she likes and only have him give them to her.
Good luck to your and your family. Congratulations on your new addition!!!
Donna,
My advice would be to put yourself in your child's shoes for a moment. You are taken away from the only people you knew who loved you, you fear they do not know where you are, you fear strangers, and ones who are not Chinese at that. This is very traumatic and certainly not your fault, but you can help put your child at ease (uncomfortable though it might be for you) by allowing her to see those people a last time so she can see that they know where she is and they approve of you and it's safe to go with you. It will be a gift to the foster family as well to allow them to hug her one last time.
This is one of those life moments that you cannot go back and do over. It almost certainly will not be more traumatic for your child to go back and see them than it was for them to leave them in the first place. I think it will also help your child build some fundamental trust in you and in life: otherwise they may get the idea (even pre-verbal kids understand these things) that someone could come and take them away from their parents again at any time and that they may never see you again (so why invest trust, love, commitment in a new relationship?) This will not be as scary as you fear and I believe your child will be the better for it in the longer term.
I pray that it goes well for you; be brave. Go and be in the moment.
We went through this exact same thing 6 years ago with our daughter from Nanning. Gabi was 18 months old when she was placed in our arms and did all the same things that you are describing. We received her on Sunday and grieved terribly for her foster parents that she had been with for 9 months. All she wanted to do was walk either holding my finger or stay on my hip in the carrier. She bonded only to mommy and would do the exact same things with daddy as you describe with Shelby. On Thursday we went to NSWI and she got to see and did OK. Since she hadn't lived there in 9 months, it wasn't that big a deal for her. On Saturday, our last day in Nanning, we went to her foster parents' apartment. When we got there, she stayed with me until I put her down to walk around. She didn't reach out for either of her foster parents. She had truly bonded with me and after 6 days of being connected to me nonstop, she trusted me. She walked around and showed us her "things"--the tv, phone, bed, etc. She didn't cry until we left and got in the cab to go back to the hotel. She cried for a few minutes and then was fine. When we got back to the hotel she was a different child. All the members of our travel group noticed. She started to laugh and play with the other girls for the first time. For her, going to see her foster parents was what she needed for closure. I understand that this is not what will happen in all cases, but I can only tell you that this was our daughter's reactoin. We have never regretted going to the orphanage or foster parents'. We took a lot of pictures at both and she looks through her photo album often and can talk about it without getting upset. I will say a prayer for you that in whatever you decide, you will be at peace with your decision. Enjoy every moment--the past 6 years have flown by and I so miss those first few precious moments.
Sorry - I have no idea why my blog posted 4 times! - Rhonda
I would really encourage you to visit the FMother. We were not allowed access to our children's foster parents at adoption time and my 18 month old grieved and was very confused. Through a miracle we were able to make contact with her foster parents just over 8 months ago (2.5 years post adoption) and have been emailing back and forth ever since.Being in contact has also given the Foster mother closure - the only thing that she was told was what country my daughter had been adopted to. She had cared for my daughter for nearly 14 of her 18 months and loved my daughter dearly. She stated that she thought about my daughter a great deal and wondered how she was. Now she knows! Knowing more about her history has been priceless and my daughter has really opened up in the past few months and has been sharing memories of her time in China. I thought that most of these would have been in her imagination, until I sent an email to her foster mother who confirmed that all the memories were correct. many of my friends who had the opportunity to meet the foster parents have also stated tht this was one of the best things that they had done and like others - all confirmed that their children were far more settled afterwards. The foster parents from Yongning are part of a US based charitiable organisation program and are excellent!
Please go!
Moos mama
I'll keep this short. My heart and instinct says yall should go see the FM. But this decision did not come easy to me. And I can't imagine how hard a decision it is to you and CJ. I just had to do some soul searching and then my answer came easy. Everyone that has posted has some great points, experiences, and guidance. I've had to shed a tear on this one also. And to my friend/co-worker, Craig, you are one of the greatest individuals I know. Your heart is so big, that just being around you makes me a better person. I have no worries that your daughter will come to you and come to you soon. Your soul does shine and shine bright, my brother! Big hugs to the both of you!
Ethan
Donna,
We adopted our daughter, Hope, from Mother's Love in Dec. 2005 and had just turned 2 years old. She had lived with her foster family for 19 months and was very attached to them. She too grieved very deeply and it was hard for me to sit down with her also. Oh, do I remember those days.
We were very concerned about meeting the foster family because we were afraid it would sit her back after having her with us for about 4 days. Meeting her foster family was the best decision we made. Hope immediately went to them when she saw them and yes, she did cry when we had to leave them. But, I will tell you, she was a different child after our visit. It was like a final closure and her foster mother was very good to tell her it was okay to be with us. Meeting the foster family also brought comfort to them. They were excited to meet us and wanted to make sure Hope was going to be well taken care of.
I am so glad we had the meeting with them. We have pictues with our family and their family together to show Hope. The pictures let Hope know how much she is loved. Hope still talks about her foster family even 2 years later.
I hope this helps and please let us know what you decide to do.
Mary Weaver
Raleigh, NC
Okay- I posted already - but this time I am going to post only about the boys and CJ for bonding. I have worked with many kids for a variety of reasons - adoption, developmental delays, autism, and foster care- on attachment- bonding and social emotional development and cognition. I am Special Instruction Babies Can't Wait-and certified teacher for special ed -with Masters in Special Ed and Child Development Birth -8 years- not a counselor- but I am a behavior and developmental expert-
Okay- but mostly I am your friend and care about you and your family.
What CJ and the boys are experiencing is completely normal- especially for a child who had a secure attachment to a primary caregiver. 90% of the time the transfer of attachment will happen to one or two caregivers within a short period of time- But the attachment will not be secure. This was the case with Michelle. Secure attachment takes a long time.
Any other person was a potential person that would take her away from me (except Zach -ger ger)
To help her know she was safe- We did the following
1. Told her what we were doing and where we were going- with pics when possible-
2. Showed her pics of her smiling with us and reminding her of all fun time.
3. Had Zach and Dan model and act out fun family games with her watching - at first she did not act like she was watching- but then before you knew it - her interest was peeked. ( Hide and seek, Ride the Pony, Airplane, tumbling, jumping, peek a boo, songs (repetitive ones)- A great deal of hugs, patty cake, -
This set a good mood for everyone and took the pressure off Michelle to be the center always. Also it let Zach and Dan get the love and affection they were craving without entering her space. Before you know it the boys will have the CJ and Sons show going. Can be very entertaining.
4. I let Dan and Zach give all the favorite snacks and treats. Zach was great for modeling our family life. Ask the boys to show her how they play together. They will love this- Let them know that she might pretend not to watch- but she will be sneaking peaks and definitely listening.
5. Acted out a couple of little skits- Polite behavior, snuggle time, Getting ready to go out, getting ready for bed. It was all a set up for her- Your boys are so smart that they will love doing this and it will help give them a part.
6. I gave Dan a lot of extra hugs and love and snuggles- in front of her. And kisses kisses kisses
7. Fried rice and Congie watermellon and bananas were Michelle's food staples- I encouraged Dan to work with the food and the feeding- and at some point she knew Daddy was going to make sure she ate whatever she wanted - whenever she wanted- Also apparently they drink WAHAHA (snack drink sweet milk) and it can be bought at the Walmart in Nanning- Along with many American products that your boys may like. (7 11 convenience store has it too)
8. When Michelle did not accept food from Dan - I had him model caring for Zach and his food needs- Zach loved being spoiled like this. This gave me such a chuckle as Zach is 13.
9. Encourage laughter and jokes and silly behavior- this is good pain medicine. Silly faces in the mirror can work miracles. Also this is very good for eye contact with CJ, the boys and you. Michelle would stare at him in the mirror but not face to face. It broke the ice and they could play games that way.
10. Pick repetitive things to say. - Go Eat, Nap time, book time, Play time, Go Shop- simple two word phrases- Swim time, Bath time, Quiet time. etc
Always the same used over and over throughout your day.
11. Massage and smell good lotion. Very soothing-
12. Swaddle in towels after Bath- and treat like baby- Goo Goo Gahh Gahh- and maybe a bottle with wahaha and milk mixed. It is okay right now to give anything in a bottle she will drink - You can wean her from that when you're home. Wahaha worked well for us.
13. Grief is normal- It is okay to show her that you have grief for what she is experiencing. We all cried with Michelle at least once even Zach - This is okay- you are all in it together.
Shelby is very smart - and I think she has a great little personality.
I think that you have a book now - I hope they help some.
I am praying for you all and know that this is such an amazing bonding time for your family. You are doing an amazing job.
Your Friends,
Liz & Michelle Caixing
I sent you an email, but was limited to 300 characters so I couldn't tell you everything I wanted to say. Then I discovered I could leave comments here. Please trust the advice of those who actually met with the foster families because honestly, those who didn't will never know whether it was a good thing or not. Those of us who did meet the foster family can speak from experience. I know it seems sort of counterintuitive that such a meeting would be a good thing, but I truly believe based on my experience that it really is about the best thing you can do for your child early on! And you only have one shot at doing it so PLEASE take the leap of faith and do it. It made a HUGE difference in Katie pretty much immediately. We could hardly get her to eat anything before the meeting, but afterward, she was a much happier child and began to eat for us. It really does give everyone a sense of closure. We had the same fears and concerns you do, but honestly, it was wonderful for Katie. Just be prepared because it will be the most emotional 10-15 minutes, or however long it lasts, of your life. Everyone cried. Not only did it provide closure, but it gave us a chance to ask questions about her eating habits, likes/dislikes, routines, etc. and we found that some of the referral information about that stuff wasn't accurate. It is very scary I know, but please don't let this one opportunity pass. I won't be writing this message unless I believed deep in my heart that it was probably the single best thing we did to help Katie bond/adjust early on. To give you some background info...we adopted Katie at 21 months old and she had been with her foster family for 14 - 15 months. For the first few days we had her, she did some overt grieving, but she sort of shut down to some degree and the biggest problem we were having was that she wouldn't eat. She would drink liquids (not a bottle though, just water and juice) and sometimes eat clear broth but nothing else. She was already very tiny for her age, only weighing 14 - 15 pounds at 21 months so we were very worried that not eating would have a very serious affect on her health. We received her on Monday and met the foster mom on Fri. at the orphanage. Please feel free to contact me if you have questions. I do understand your fears and concerns as I felt the same way, but I trusted the posts of other who had met with the foster families because everything they said indicated this is a good thing to do for your child. Good luck and take care!!
Sandi
Meet with the Foster mom. It is a life experience that you will most likely never again have that chance. Its priceless. Take photos and have her write a note to you and your daughter if possible. If you can, get email or address info for her as well to keep in touch, even if for a little while. It shows respect for the love/care she has given your child up until this point and in the future, shows your child you respect that connection, that care of her beginnings. It's also therapy for you as you grieve and could be a source of helpful 411 should you experience any attachment, grieving, behaviour issues once home. We met with the foster mom as well, 4 days after Gotcha. Our daughter actually grieved less and easier AFTER that meeting than before. I still keep in touch with her every other month or so. Its harder on you than anyone. Be strong, remember YOU are her mother now and in control. This is one of those moments where as the mom you step up to the plate and put the Better Good in front of your own fears and feelings. Its tough but you'll get thru it. These foster moms truly love these girls and its going to be emotional for everyone. Blessings and prayers your way
Erin
Hi Donna,
Allowing Shelby to go with you to see her foster mother can be just the right thing to do to give her the closure that she needs. This visit will seal in her heart that she was able to say goodbye to her Foster Mother. The first parting (just days ago) she probably did not realize what was going on, but giving her a second opportunity to say goodbye to her FM would be a wonderful gift to her.
As a BTDT mom, I would say meeting the foster mom is a definite YES! It will give your daughter closure and might be an important event for her as she gets older (take pictures). One thing that helped us was having our daughter's foster mother hand her to me when we were ready to leave. There was lots of crying on all our parts, but it was one of the most wonderful experiences of our trip. We learned so much about our daughter and they gave us many pictures and it was so good to see how much she was loved and cared for!
-Bridget
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