Ok folks, let's get real today. I am hoping to get some inside tips on what to expect after Shelby's arrival home. As wonderful as adoption is and the anticipation and the fun baby showers and the packing everything and all the planning for the big trip-I know it's not all fun and games! So let's talk about the "real" part. I know that after my first child, I experienced what I like to call the Mommy Meltdown. This is the day(s) that you find yourself a mental and physical wreck in the floor sobbing thinking "What have I done?". Now with my first child this completely took me by surprise. I had no idea that this was something I should have expected. Once I started asking other moms what was wrong with me, they simply grinned and said oh yeah, I did that too. What?!?! You did this too, then why in the world didn't anyone WARN me before I gave birth. Trust me as I heard plenty of advice on everything else under the sun (diapers, feeding, clothing, breastfeeding,etc, etc). Now where was the girlfriend to girlfriend talk about the Mommy Meltdown?! So frankly I was ticked to find out that everyone who was a mom knew about the meltdown, but no one stepped up to tell me the "ugly" side of becoming a new mom. Once I found out that everything I was experiencing was normal, I felt much much better about my situation and realized that I wasn't a BAD mom after all :)
Ok, so now here is your chance to give it to me-all the "bad" stuff! I am truly seeking out the not-so-rosy parts from all of my adoption friends out there. Please,please, please tell me about your personal experiences and what I should expect during what I expect to be the Adoption Avalanche. I figure that once you are home and settled, everything will come crashing down on your shoulders overwhelming you with new responsibilities. I can only assume that I will experience some sort of mommy meltdown reincarnation- just without the hormone surges. However, this is only an assumption and everyone know what assume can stand for. So let me have it all -the bad, the stuff no one likes to talk about, the stuff that no one wants to share regarding the adoption blues or as I like to call the Adoption Avalanche. I would love for you to share in the comments section, as I feel this is something that everyone needs to share with others as an educational opportunity. However, if you have something too personal to share online, then please please please email me directly at donna@tridia.com . I really do want to hear your stories so that if I experience the same issues, then I won't feel like a BAD mommy! Thanks in advance for commenting or sharing via email :)
5 comments:
The hardest part that we had was, not only bringing one child home from China, but all of us coming home and our internal clocks being so messed up. I didn't sleep much at all for the first 3 days, because someone was always up! I would imagine with the age of your boys, that you will have some pretty significant jealousy issues (my 10 year old had a hard time). That was the hardest - the kind of tired that this jet-lag brings is like none other.
Just remember to take your "patience pills" because my girls tested mine (and they are older) -- but it's so worth it! Yes, it was harder than I imagined initially; but now it is easier than I had imagined!!!
You will not be able to understand the grief process that the child might go through/will go through if she is older until you see it. It is extremely stressful and hard. If your child doesn't bond with you no matter how prepared you think you are for it you won't be. It will suck big rocks and has for everyone else I have read about and I personally experienced it. The delays in development can be hard since you expect this child at X age to do one thing but remember that the child is delayed by reason of abandonment, institutional care and even foster care. Be patient with you and your baby. Also all of the non adoptive parents telling you not to do X (when X is exactly what you need to do to foster attachment) because they didn't do it with the bio child and you are spoiling the child. You still may have the mommy meltdown because there will be a let down of sorts, build up excitment during the wait, then referral, then travel then you come home and the real family time begins. Might happen. Sorry this is so long. It is wonderful no matter what but it is hard. rewards are beyond great. Remember attachment is a life long thing and will not happen fully in 2 weeks of being in China.
beverly
Our best advice is to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. We did LOTS of research on bonding and attachment and really stuck to the rules of not letting anyone meet her needs, etc for several months.
DD#1 was anxious attached and a true VELCRO baby. It was overwhelming when I couldn't even pee without her sitting with me, or she was terrified. We have seen so much improvement with setting a strict and consistant routine, going to her every time she cried(exhausting) and being the only ones to feed her. It took over a year for her to really trust that we'd never leave. She is a totally different child now.
We prepared for more of the same with DD#2, but she was very loved in fostercare, and they really prepared her for us. She has had none of the issues we faced with #1.
I would say the best thing we did was to discuss our parenting plan, and then stick to it regradless of people's opinions.
You'll do great and we are all here for you if the avalanche hits!
Check your email for my two cents!
We are going through some of this now- I am in the middle of it. I think one thing to think about (talking to myself a little here) is to be kind to yourself too. Take it a little slower- if you are a doer- people will expect you to jump in and start where you left off- Saying NO is very important.
We are doing the family bed- and so Dan and I set up a little spot away from her for our own special time when she is sound asleep.
We are still in the stage where she needs to be with me during the bathroom and all other times. Your older boys will help you catch a break and this helps.
A part of you will be so in love and a part will also feel very over the top overwhelmed- I wouldn't say it is a total meltdown, but you will wonder what in the world you were thinking- and they you will look at that sweet face and WOW- you will know everything is how it should be with God's Perfect Plan.
Take care and I will see you Friday- I've got a little something for your trip.
Love ya,
Liz
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