Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Choosing Your Child

One thing that I don't read alot about on blogs is how you "choose" your child. Most of the time you hear things like "perfect match", "gift from God", "always meant to be in our family", etc. etc. Well all of those things may actually be true for you and your child; however, this isn't always the story behind the scenes. You see when you choose to adopt a waiting child from China, you get to "choose" your child. So what most people don't bother to mention, is the fact that sometimes you have to "un-choose" your child.

I can still remember the first file I ever requested. It was a little 16 month girl with a cleft lip and palate. She was SO cute in her pictures. I poured through her file over and over again trying to take in each and every word. I kept asking myself over and over again too..."Is she mine, is she mine?" Needless to say, I can still also remember me telling the agency, NO.

No, she wasn't mine, no I will not adopt her, no I will not be giving her a much needed mommy and daddy, no I will not give her a home to live in forever. It sounds awful when you write it all down, but all of it is very true. This is the part no one really wants to talk about. The special needs route is not for the faint of heart. It is tough to turn down files, oh I mean children! These "files" equal a child's life. When you hold their file in your hands, you have the chance to change their lives, or to not change their lives. The choice is yours. Unfortunately the choice you have to make is not always an easy one.

It doesn't mean that you are a bad person, that you don't care about the child, that you don't really want to make a difference in their life. It just means that that particular child is NOT yours! That child's file came to you for some reason, only heaven knows why. However, I know that I have figured out the "why" on a few occasions after the file has passed through my hands. It could be just for education, or just as a stall until that child's parents would be ready for the file, or it could be for you to pass along that file to another family that you know would make a perfect fit for the child. I am sure there are several reasons as to why a file may end up in your lap. Prayer is one of the only ways I know of to figure out some of the "whys".

So just to wrap this up, sometimes you have to say NO. It isn't easy or fun. It is sometimes just the right thing to do. Just be aware if you are on this SN adoption roller coaster, you better put your big-girl panties on before you step on the ride.

8 comments:

amy said...

well said my friend. It can be a difficult road emotionally and mentally but it has its rewards. thanks for the words

Lennah and Delylah's mom said...

I still remember being in this situation before Lennah. I agonozied over a decision like this and declined a SN referral. He is with a wonderful family and I know in my heart he was meant to be someone else's son and lennah was meant to be our daughter.
Cathy

Lennah and Delylah's mom said...

I still remember being in this situation before Lennah. I agonozied over a decision like this and declined a SN referral. He is with a wonderful family and I know in my heart he was meant to be someone else's son and lennah was meant to be our daughter.
Cathy

Cupcakes and Hairbows said...

Big Girl panties for sure! Well said. I had to get past that "guilt of saying no", which was VERY hard to do... We must have looked at 12-15 files on our way to find 2. It was incredibly difficult (to either turn a child down or to be turned down by the agency).

Donna said...

I couldn't do it and, thankfully, we didn't have to.

Our agency doesn't give waiting child lists to families to browse. They interview us and pick children for us. I suppose we could say no but I don't remember many instances of that happening.

Of course, the entire program has changed completely since we got our girls back in 2005 and 2006 (and our agency doesn't even do SN adoptions anymore). I've tried to look at the WC lists and I can't imagine having to pick one child over another. But if that's the only way, I suppose I'd have to.

You're right -- it's not for the faint of heart.

Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!

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Shonni said...

I am so glad that you posted this...we have been in a position where we just "felt" from the LORD that a child we thought at first was ours, wasn't. I felt guilty, but I also just knew we were not his family. It really is not for the faint of heart as you said...again thank you for sharing this.

Ellie said...

Very well said! For us each child we fell in love with prepared us for our own daughter (who we just asked for a referral for, I wasn't emotionally strong enough to "choose").

I appreciate your posting this because I think sometimes there is so much guilt in the not-choosing process - but as you said, those children were never meant for those families :)