Well today is my last day of regular work for at least a week or two. I have a crazy busy day cramming everything in, but I just can't seem to get my emotions in check today. I feel like such a wimpy mom today. I read alot of blogs of others and I don't think I have ever read much about how "mom feels" the days before a big surgery. I know it isn't about me and that I should just be focused on my little girl right now. And in a big way, that is why it hurts so much to be her mom right now.
If you don't really know Shelby, know this about her...she is stubborn and a true fighter! My little girl fought me tooth and nail when we "took her" from her China home and foster mom. Shelby fought me tooth and nail whenever I would try to get her to open up to me emotionally. She really fought her biggest battle with me when I started teaching her to TRUST me. Each step of the way though, Shelby opened up little by little and now we have a true mom and daughter love and trust for each other. The fights were so worth the efforts.
So now once again, her mom (in her eyes) is about to hurt her again. To her, I was the one who took her from her China mom, I was the one who allowed the doctors to hurt her during her palate surgery, and now I will be the one again who will intentionally allow the doctors to "hurt" her once again. It feels like this little one just keeps giving me her heart and trusting me, yet I have to be the one to break her heart over and over again :(
I really hope she can forgive me once again and hopefully slowly start to understand that I allow her to be hurt for good reasons. I know a 4 year old can't understand that yet, but I pray that somewhere deep in her heart Jesus gives her some comfort that her mommy loves her very much and doesn't want to hurt her. I pray she will TRUST me once again one day soon!
7 comments:
You are definitely NOT a wimp! You are a loving, sensitive MOM that hates to see her child hurt and hopes that that child doesn't correlate the hurt she is going through with the Mom who loves her so much. One day, she will look back, maybe even read this blog post and have a new appreciation of your love for her. Hang in there. We will be praying for you!
We Mums just hate this side of the job. I will pray for you all, as this necessary time is gone through.
Heartfelt love
Granny
Praying that Shelby and you do well next week!
So sorry that you ALL have to endure this though thing. She won't blame you - she will cling to you because you ARE the mommy she can and does trust!!! Love....
Now that I am a mother, I can relate to what you feel and believe it or not, I can't stop thinking about you. It is normal to be scare and so what if you feel like crying. Who said being a parent mean you always need to be brave and not scared ? I'll be wainting for an update and praying for you. Shelby knows who her mother is and she loves and trusts you. She will hurt but you will be there for her and you'll be the only person she'll want to be with. Sending you way tons of good things my friend. Audrey
I totally feel for you here. Wishing you and Shelby God's peace!
Our prayers are with Shelby. Hope all goes well for Mom and Daughter!
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