Racism is still a FACT of life

Below, Nancy gererously shares her honest perspective of growing up as an Asian American. Questions were provided by Adoptive Families.

Q: In what way, if any, did your adoptive parents foster you culturally? Did they share any info with you, were you on your own, was your Asian culture even acknowledged? Do you feel that traveling back to an internationally adopted child's birth-country is valuable in helping develop his or her self-identity?

A: My parents did try to foster me culturally by sending me to Korean camp, but I hated it!

Truthfully, I wanted nothing to do with any person or child that looked like me or anything having to do with being different. My adoption and Korean heritage were acknowledged in a balanced way without over emphasizing that I was different. As an adult, I am grateful that my parents recognized and honored my Korean culture, but as a child, I was very aware I was different-even when I couldn't articulate it or my parents acknowledged itand I wanted desperately to fit in.

Trans-racial adoption is tricky and, for me, issues around racism and racial identity were as important as the issue of family formation. I am a person of color-my parents are not. They don't-and cannot be expected to knowwhat it is like to be a person of color in the United States . What my parents didand what you can do as you parent a child of a different race-is be aware that despite your longings for a world where your love will be enough to protect your child from racism and a trip to your child's birth country or your attempts to celebrate cultural holidays with them will NOT be enough to give your children the racial identity that they deserve and desperately need. In other words, my parents taught me about Korea , but they couldn't teach me how to be Korean.

So, go ahead visit China or Korea or Guatemala with your child. It is a great way for both of you to experience and honor your child's culture. But understand that this, alone, does not give your child the racial identity that she will desperately need as she matures.

As I grew up, my experiences and conclusions were surprisingly different than my parents, not just because I was adopted, but because of my perspective-as a Korean-American adopted woman. Sometimes, it is hard for us to bridge the gaps, after all we, grew up speaking the same language, eating the same food and listening to the same music. But my parents simply are not people of color and sometimes forget that when you are a person of color everything is about race.

So as parents grapple with adoption and culture issues, I would implore you not to ignore another key question. How am I going to help my child develop a healthy sense of racial identity? Culture camps, trips to birth countries, support groups are all a great first step, but they are easy first steps. Helping a child of a different race develop a healthy sense of her racial step is a lot more complicated and deserves much more thought and attention.